I was speaking with a friend the other night whose parent acts out with emotional violence toward him.
He shared how he gets sucked into the energy and goes into explaining and defending himself against this ‘tyrant’ in order to try to calm him down.
I understand why he does that.
It’s scary when someone comes at you with energy backed with anger.
Your mind may try to grasp the thought that, he’ll never really hurt me.
But do you really know this to be true?
You can’t be reasonable with an unreasonable person who is attacking you verbally.
They can’t hear it. They don’t think reasonably like you.
Okay, I have a very strong opinion on this and I’ll tell you why.
I’ve lived it. It was scary. I know the potential for violence is there.
In 1995 my father shot and killed my mother.
As far as I know he didn’t lay a hand on her for the 20 years preceeding the shooting.
Was he emotionally violent to her? Absolutely.
Did I ever in my wildest dreams think he would kill her? NO!
I could not comprehend that. This was my father, whom I loved.
I thought he loved me too much to harm my mother.
I was wrong.
And after my mother died, but before he went to prison, his anger started being directed at me.
What did I do?
What do you do when a parent accuses you? Blames you? Belittles you? Dismisses you?
Do you stay and take it?
Do you deny the behavior and through wishful thinking believe it will get better?
I did both…until I could no longer be a doormat.
I did both…until I started to believe in myself and my right (just because) to happiness, peace and equanimity in my life.
I had to let go of the belief system that made me listen to someone abusing me when I really wanted to run.
I had to let go of the belief that someone else’s well-being is more important than mine and that somehow I didn’t have a right to stand up for myself.
There was a dance…a few years of an on again off again relationship with my father.
During this time I felt small and insignificant.
Through study and hard work I learned that I was enough and no one, especially a parent, had a right to belittle me.
I had to learn to love myself and respect myself enough to set healthy boundaries.
I had to let go of my victim story.
When I did I was able to make the decision to take my father to court for the Wrongful Death of my mom.
I stood up to him in public. I had to.
I sought accountability for what he did to my mother.
He skipped town and didn’t show up for court.
He never contacted me again.
I had to find peace within without getting answers from him and without him showing remorse.
That, coupled with my doing intensive therapy, forgiving my judgments of my father and myself was the best thing to happen to me.
I was able to move on.
I was able to move out of the inertia that took hold of my life.
I was able to find the love of my life and have a loving family based on trust.
It took me a few years to let my guard down completely with others.
I could once I learned to trust myself and make decisions based on that trust.
So I ask you…do you shrink, lash out or leave when the energy of anger comes your way?
You know my choice.
In the loving,
Brenda
