I belong to a wonderful online group for coaches called The New Coach Connection.

One member recently posed questions on how and why to forgive.

I answered on the community site and I thought I’d also answer here to see if it helps.

I have a mission to transform 1000 people’s lives by the end of this year by helping them (you) move out of unforgiveness and into experiencing more loving and peace inside.

So—I believe forgiving/ forgiveness is for the person doing the forgiving.

I define forgiveness as letting go of the resentments that have been weighing you down with anger, regret, remorse and feelings of revenge.
From that heavy place it’s almost impossible to let love in or out. In that way,

unforgiveness is selfish because your loved ones and your potential loved ones won’t receive your loving.

There’s that remarkable saying that Unforgiveness is like taking poison and hoping the other person will die. I agree.

> Why does our pain, hurt, anger, block us from forgiving?

According to Eckhart Tolle (Power of Now and A New Earth), when you’re in your pain, hurt and anger-you’re not in your heart-where you experience forgiveness. Your painbody is ruling the show. It’s like you are looking at the person or event through that lens of anger-so you aren’t open enough to see all perspectives.You can’t see your “enemy’s” perspective so it’s hard to move into a place of compassion, where forgiveness lives.

> Why do we need to build an intention to forgive – before we actually act on forgiving?

I believe spontaneous forgiveness can happen. I live an intentional life and it helps me, but sometimes if something is too hard for a client to set an intention around because of the resistance present I ask them to set an intention not having to do with the specific incident but about accepting and embracing more loving or peace in their life. Forgiveness is a natural byproduct of this, even if it is self-forgiveness.

That said, I have found in years teaching about forgiveness that people can only forgive to the point that they have forgiven themselves. Often with something they judge as terrible they must forgive how they’ve betrayed themselves (with their decisions or choices) before or concurrently with forgiving someone else.

Ex. In 1995 my father shot and killed my mother and married her sister. I couldn’t truly forgive my father (why would I want to) until I forgave myself for the judgments I held against myself (I felt I betrayed myself by trusting and loving my father and therefore could never trust myself to make a wise decision again). I started to forgive my father during a 2 year Master’s Program in Spiritual Psychology where I learned the tools I needed to love and forgive myself.

It’s like the instructions on an airplane: You must give yourself oxygen before you give it to your child when the air pressure drops in a plane. My take on that is that you can’t really forgive someone else unless you forgive yourself first. Often times, we don’t realize we have something to forgive ourselves for at first. My work is in helping uncover whatever is preventing you from experiencing more peace.

> Why do we take time to forgive?

Forgiveness is a journey, not an event. As you uncover new layers of yourself by moving into acceptance and more self-love you can deepen in the amount of forgiveness you can experience.

> Why can’t we forgive spontaneously?

I believe it is possible, especially if you have a Spiritual belief system in place, as I do, where I believe in a good, fair and kind world, in which everything is connected and a reflection of this one good power.
Not all of my clients believe this, but I hold this as true and therefore hold in that loving place.
I personally believe ultimately there is nothing to forgive (Radical Forgiveness believes this too). That’s hard for some people to understand. And that’s for another conversation but it has to do with my belief that there is more than one perspective about everything. What’s unforgivable to one person, doesn’t matter to another.

Think for yourself of a time you absolutely thought you were right about something and someone else was wrong and then how it shifted.

Ex. My brother and i have different fathers. It was my father who killed our mother. My brother and I stopped speaking for 6 years after our mom was killed by my dad because my brother wanted to take my father to court immediately and I couldn’t face it. I was in denial. I hated my brother. I felt, as my older and only brother, he abandoned me. And he didn’t let me see his son during this time…Well when I started taking responsibility for my life years later and moved out of denial into acceptance of what was I made the decision to take my father to court. I used the forgiveness tools I now teach to identify the judgments against my brother and forgive them (even though I thought I was right for years and had people agreeing with me). When I did the inner work I moved into self-loathing for my own part in our separation and I judged myself as abandoning my brother. From doing this work I recognized the oneness between my brother and I, how his anger toward me was a projection of my own internalized anger toward myself for trusting my father and I applied self forgiveness to forgive myself and eventually reconcile with my brother.

Another year later I had another deepening of forgiveness with my dad..and then my aunt…

> How does one bring himself to forgiveness?

I believe setting an intention to forgive is a first choice. If you’re not ready then setting an intention to experience more peace and loving in your life. (I have worked with clients that have experienced extreme abuse and experienced shifts-so I know this is possible)

> Can we still love someone, after forgiving him?

I forgave my father and when I truly forgave him (and myself) I was able to love him while at the same time make a decision to never see him again. That was the way I set a healthy boundary. And when he died in 2004 I was at peace because I had reconciled those unforgiving parts inside me long before his death.

Hope this helps.

I want to share an article I just wrote with you. I realized just
recently that many people who find this forgiveness community and are
being introduced to how and why to forgive for the first time. I’ve
gone into detail about this below.

My mantra: “Forgiveness is Freedom“. You have been told to
forgive. You know you should forgive. You feel you need to forgive.
Have you ever been instructed as to how to do it?

I don’t remember learning how to forgive in grade school. There
were no practical steps or techniques that were introduced into my
world. If anything, it was the opposite.

I was bullied briefly in 9th grade. My friends told me to stand
strong against the senior who was bullying me. I wasn’t told to
forgive her or try to find compassion for her. Instead, because I
feared her aggressive nature, I shrunk my personality and gained
weight. I didn’t know how to look within for strength. I didn’t
know how to love myself. The adults around me  weren’t modeling
this way of being. So I shrunk away while I gained weight and tried
my best to become invisible.

The first time my philandering father left my mother, I was eleven.
There was no example there of a forgiving heart. Not from my mother
or my father. Instead, like so many divorcing partners, they blamed
each other for their unhappiness and disappointments. Inexplicably,
this seemed to have stopped at some point, as one day, they decided
to get back together. The reasons were never clear, and I
will never really know as neither of them is alive now to
explain to me as an adult.

Forgiveness came to me later in life. I was forced to learn the
skill because life got too difficult to bear otherwise. My
parents’ “unforgiveness” manifested itself through their
inner and outer rage, which culminated when father fatally shot my
mother in 1995.
{!firstname_fix}, I didn’t forgive him at the time. I hated him.
He had deprived me of my mother and remained unrepentant. But my
life was spiraling out of control.

Through many years of painful and difficult inner-work, I would
learn how I could love him. I had to find a way to make peace with
my love for him (and myself), while deploring his unrepentant
behavior. It was necessary for my own healing, so that I could
continue to love the part of him that lived on as me.

My forgiveness-work was selfish at the start. It wasn’t because I
was a saint. Learning how to forgive and practice it, made it
possible for me to move out of my depression and apathy about life.
It opened the doors for me to start living again. It brought true
and lasting love into my heart.

This journey had an unexpected aspect to it. As I forgave my
father, I realized I had to forgive myself as well. Why? I had
hated myself internally for ever trusting or loving this man. My
distrust and hatred for him meant that I feared that I could not
trust myself to make wise decisions. How could I meet a loving
partner when the man I loved most in the world betrayed me? While I
didn’t fully understand the “why” or “how”, I felt the
need deep within me to come to a place of complete forgiveness, for
him as
well as for myself.

Forgiveness-work takes place on many levels. There are those people
who naturally know how to forgive. They forgive all the time,
because it mostly comes so easily to them. There are people who
want to forgive because they know they will ultimately become free
of the pain they constantly inflict on themselves through
“unforgiveness”. There are those that are not ready to forgive,
don’t want to forgive or who have just never been introduced to
the
concept; yet they have something inside them whispering and moving
them towards a new beginning.

If you are among those who may have never been introduced to the
concept of forgiving others or forgiving yourself, I am here to say
there is hope for you and those in your life whom may be living
with the harm of “unforgiveness”.

In 2001, I made a conscious decision to forgive my father. I also
took steps towards setting a healthy boundary with him by taking
him to court for the wrongful death of my mother. Now, you may
think that my suing my father in open court sounds spiteful, but
far from it. Forgiving does not mean allowing someone to hurt you.
It doesn’t mean that just consequences will not be served. When
you forgive yourself truly, you then understand that the decisions you
make start with loving yourself. You seek ways of living a life
authentic to your core beliefs. You support yourself by surrounding
yourself with healthy friends, mentors and systems. These are some
of the steps by which lasting benefits of forgiveness-work are
cemented in your life.

Here’s your coaching take-away:

I encourage you to take a look at who you feel you cannot forgive
and why. List one thing today that you can be grateful for about
what happened between you. If it is too close to you, or too soon
and you are not able to feel gratitude for any aspect of the
experience yet, that’s okay. Be kind to yourself.  This may be a
deeply engrained thought- and behavior-pattern that you’ve
internalized that you will be changing in the future. Instead, think of something that you are
grateful for. Right now, in your life, what makes you feel
grateful? This small step will break the downward spiral of
negative thinking, and open your mind to the benefits of positive
perception.

Why Forgive?

Benefits to Enjoy

1. Forgiveness allows you to release old resentments and free
yourself from unhealthy ties to the past.
2. Forgiveness allows the creation of space in your mind and heart
to invite more loving relationships into your life now.
3. Forgiveness opens the doors to a kingdom of peace which can last
the rest of your life and feed you as you thrive in it.

Challenges to Overcome:

1. Old and limiting beliefs may be telling you to seek revenge.
2. You have people around you enable you to continue to function as
a victim. (They may mean well, but this is highly disempowering for
you, and very detrimental.)
3. Change can be frightening and difficult; you will need to be
brave and do the work.

Have a beautiful and forgiving day.

Spread forgiveness. It’s contagious!

Brenda

Start forgiving now. Brenda Adelman’s ebook, “My Father Killed
My Mother and Married My Aunt: Forgiving the Unforgivable” is your
personal forgiveness tool and step by step guide to experiencing
more freedom. For more info: http://www.forgiveandbefreebook.com

Turn Your Passion into Prosperity

By Allison Maslan, CCH, HHP

Did you know that from age twenty-five to sixty-five, we spend 73,600 hours at our work? And that 87 percent of Americans dislike their jobs? That means that 87 percent of Americans spend 73,600 hours in their lifetime doing something they don’t like. What a massive loss that is! Because each part of our lives has an influence on every other part of our lives, this could make for a lot of unhappy people. Why is this? Could it be that so many people have settled because of fear or lack of direction when it comes to going after their dream career?

What is your purpose? Your destiny? Have you known for some time what you are meant to do for a career, but you just aren’t sure how to transfer it to real life? Are you still searching for that path you can call your very own? Everyone was blessed with certain gifts, talents and personality traits that can be transferred into a fulfilling, satisfying and financially prosperous line of work. Some people know from the get-go what they want to be when they grow up. Others, like me, find their purpose through an evolvement of life’s experiences and challenges. Either way, you come to find that it is perfectly right for you.

I truly believe that you have the full potential to pinpoint, develop and achieve your dream career. Yes, you! One of the things that really saddens me is when I see someone with such potential for greatness, who is not allowing themselves to step into it and fully own it. I can share with you the important do’s and don’ts and give you valuable tools and support; however, you need to be the one to take that first step.

As you set out to find your purpose, or first commit to living a life of purpose, what drives you may still feel a bit elusive. Many people have no idea if they have a real purpose on earth. Ask a friend randomly what their life purpose is, and they may take a long pause before answering, “Good question. I’m not sure.” Well, I’m here to tell you (and them) that you do have a purpose and it’s probably not as mysterious as you think. Most likely it’s right under your nose. Maybe your purpose is to feed hungry children, build a gigantic bridge, love your children, or just be in the moment. Your life purpose is most likely connected to the areas that create passion and meaning in your life. Here are some simple steps for accessing your life purpose.

• Get in touch with what really matters to you in the world and in your life. What do you get passionate talking about, reading or exploring? Before taking impulsive action steps toward a new career, business opportunity, or new relationship, ponder what gives you that inner surge of excitement. This could be the most important key for long-term staying power and success.
• Gather your thoughts and focus your energy toward these ideas. Find a way to involve yourself in this activity.
• Explore several possibilities before settling on one. However, if one really moves you, then go for it!
• Connect with other people on a regular basis who are passionate about these ideals or activities.
• See how you feel in this new arena. Does it stir your passionate energy? This is what we call “alignment,” or “being congruent.” When we are expressing our true inner thoughts, beliefs and ideals through external actions that match those thoughts, beliefs and ideals, we are operating in harmony rather than in conflict. The “practice-what-you-preach” philosophy.
• Not doing what you love could be very harmful to your health and your prosperity. Most people think that doing what you love is a luxury, so they settle for something they don’t enjoy. Someone who loves your career more than you do will no doubt perform the job better than you. This person will eventually be greatly rewarded because this work matters to them. Part of what you’ll get from being out of alignment in your work is dissatisfaction and burnout.

I know you can do it. After all, it’s your greatness I am talking about.

Allison Maslan, HHP, CCH is a homeopathic physician and the author of Blast Off! The Surefire Success Plan To Launch Your Dreams Into Reality. As a life and business coach, she helps people create a new business and the best chapter of their lives.

The exciting launch of the book Blast Off! The Surefire Success Plan To Launch Your Dreams Into Reality is coming Tuesday 19 January 2010. To find out how you can buy the book and receive over 20 beautiful mind-body-spirit gifts during the launch, go to www.myblastoff.com/booklaunch.

I learned a lot over that summer and what would become my extended stay. You see, my brother was newly in love and busy. He moved in with his lady-love and left me to fend for myself in his cold-water flat. In 1987 there was no Skype, no Blackberry, no cell phones. There was no home phone or shower in his place. And did I mention that I didn’t speak German? I remember curling up on his uncomfortable bed one day sobbing and wondering how I could go home to Brooklyn – to my parents – without my tail between my legs. After all, I set out to conquer the world and now I couldn’t even conquer my loneliness.

Something extraordinary happened when I made the decision to consciously stay in Austria. I remember there was a moment about an hour into my unheard cries (and my pity party) when something inside me stirred.

What if there was no going back?
Is any place ever the same once you’ve left? What if I decided to go back to the States and my parents didn’t have a room for me? Were they even still together?

What if you took a chance and went out of the apartment today?
The choice was to go out even though I was scared or to stay in and get more depressed. I knew how depression and loneliness felt and I wanted to feel better so I had to take an action.

What’s the worst thing that could happen?
I thought I’d get lost and without a phone to call my brother I imagined that I’d never find my way back home. I was catastrophizing. Finally, I decided to write down my address knowing that if I got lost I could show it to someone and I remembered that lots of people in Vienna spoke English.

What if you trusted that someone would see you, notice you, and talk to you?
My thoughts started shifting from fear to possibility. I was so scared that I was invisible (an issue I dealt with growing up) that I had been afraid to even take a chance and go outside my apartment. I knew I needed to be filled up and to stop thinking only about myself because it made me self-conscious.

I started consuming the books on my brother’s shelves and suddenly I had friends again – the characters in these famous stories. George Orwell became my favorite author. I imagined all kinds of exciting adventures that my future would bring. And I left the apartment. I took the U-bann (the Austrian subway) and went just one-stop so I could explore new things and definitely find my way back home. The next day I summoned up my courage and I extended my exciting exploration by another stop on the line.

I found my way home. The next day I found a farmer’s market and returned with loaves of bread and delicious cheeses.

At the end of the summer, my brother invited me to extend my summer vacation to help assist stage-manage a play that he wrote and was directing. He apologized for not spending much time with me and assured me that would change.

I decided to take a chance and stay. I had learned to transform my loneliness into life lessons. I could live alone with myself and not be lonely. I said YES. And oh, the adventures and friendships I made.

Want to reprint this article in your ezine or website? You may, as long as it remains intact and you include this complete blurb with it: Brenda Adelman, MA in Spiritual Psychology, referred to as The Queen of Forgiveness, teaches people who have a lot to offer but are stuck, how to become present, enjoy more success and peace in their relationships and lives by letting go of old and new resentments using the art of forgiveness. For FR*EE tips on how to finally be happy and free visit www.forgivenessandfreedom.com.

Want to reprint this article in your ezine or website? You may, as long as it remains intact and you include this complete blurb with it: Brenda Adelman, MA in Spiritual Psychology, referred to as The Queen of Forgiveness, teaches people who have a lot to offer but are stuck, how to become present, enjoy more success and peace in their relationships and lives by letting go of old and new resentments using the art of forgiveness. For FR*EE tips on how to finally be happy and free visit www.forgivenessandfreedom.com.

Misstep #1: You’ve already done the work on that issue so there’s no need to do any more. 
I remember thinking I had healed my anger toward my father because I no longer saw him and he didn’t call me. “Out of sight, out of mind.”, or so I thought. When he phoned several months later I couldn’t stop crying for days. I immediately starting questioning “What’s wrong with me…hadn’t I already healed this?”

Instead of berating yourself and judging your unsettling reaction to the reemergence of what you thought had been healed, you can see your emotions as a nudge for you to do some more work at a deeper level. Healing is like peeling the layers of an onion and it takes time.

Misstep #2: Anger keeps you strong.
Are there grudges that you’ve held on to for years? I’ve worked with many people who are extremely angry at a parent and yet see them all the time out of a misguided sense of obligation to what they think they should be doing as a “good child”. There are others who refuse to talk to a parent because of the abuse they suffered growing up and they secretly (and not so secretly sometimes) are glad that their parent is suffering because of it. Is this you?

The truth is that anger may help you set a boundary with someone that you haven’t had the strength to hold one with. If you have never learned how to set a healthy boundary, you must release that anger if you want to be healthy and happy. How can there be room for happiness when you are suppressing seething anger underneath the surface? Learn to set your own healthy boundaries so that you feel safe to let go of your anger.

Misstep #3: Thinking your disappointments are shameful.
I remember my 35th birthday very well. During Christmas I went on a cruise and fell madly for an Italian officer who worked on the ship. We emailed fervently and he invited me to take a one-week all expenses paid cruise with him during my birthday week-which just happened to also be Valentine’s Day week. I packed my bags ready to have a romantic one of a kind experience. Two days before the trip my officer friend emailed me to say it was off. Even through his broken English, I understood that what he was calling a “work commitment” was actually another one of many women that had dead-ended my hopes. I got depressed and I shut myself away in my apartment for the week-telling no one.

The truth is that his lack of commitment was just that-it had nothing to do with me. If I had understood this, I would have unpacked my bags and celebrated-happy to know that he wasn’t a faithful type of man before our relationship got too heated. I would have called my friends and enjoyed each others’ company. It’s much more empowering to understand a disappointment can really be something that may steer you in the right direction, rather than owning it as something “shameful” about you.

Misstep #4: Looking for your self-worth outside of yourself. 
Recently a friend had a brief romantic encounter with someone she worked with. They kissed and had a flirty evening together that hadn’t been anticipated. When seeing him at work the following week, he was distant and she resented him. She started to obsess about what she had done wrong.

I coached her to look at what was beneath the surface. Why was a kiss triggering so much mental obsession? She realized that she was looking to this man for approval. When she received none, she took his disapproval to heart and believed she wasn’t sexy enough, pretty enough and good enough. Seeing where she had taken that wrong turn, helped her forgive her judgments of herself and of men so she could realize her innate self-worth.

Misstep #5: Thinking the suffering will never end.
In 1995, my father shot and killed my mother. That’s what led me to the healing work I do. But at that time, and for several years after, I was depressed and could see no light along my path. I fantasized about dying and joining my mother in the after life.

The truth is that everything is a cycle. We can look to nature to confirm that. The sun comes up and the sun sets. The seasons come and go. The sooner that you realize that “this too shall pass”, the sooner you will be able to release your suffering and surrender to the truth: Change is the only constant. I’ve lived through the suffering and arrived at the other side where there is joy and happiness and loving. I have found my own way to freedom and happiness walking along my path of forgiveness. 

© Copyright 2009 Brenda Adelman

Want to reprint this article in your ezine or website? You may, as long as it remains intact and you include this complete blurb with it: Brenda Adelman, MA in Spiritual Psychology, referred to as The Queen of Forgiveness, teaches people who have a lot to offer but are stuck, how to become present, enjoy more success and peace in their relationships and lives by letting go of old and new resentments using the art of forgiveness. For FR*EE tips on how to finally be happy and free visit http://www.forgivenessandfreedom.com.

What you fear might be an addiction that you haven’t been able to overcome. Instead of facing that issue, you try only to deal with the symptoms: a stressful job, a chaotic marriage, unfulfilling friendships, financial distress. If your relationships were better, then you would be better at work, and finally get that promotion and raise, thus irradiating your financial distress. Once all this is in place, then it would be the perfect time to really face the difficult and scary work of releasing the addiction.

What you fear might be the mortgage bill that needs to be paid on your upside down house, but you just don’t know where you’re going to get the money? Instead of digging deep inside to get creative, you steep in your frustration until it feels like you’ve hit a wall. What’s beneath the surface? Could there be feelings of unworthiness or entitlement or blame? Do you own the belief that you deserve success? Do you think people should just hand you what you want because of your situation or circumstances?

What you fear might be facing your sister at a family event after not talking to her for years because of the abuse you suffered at her hands when you were younger? Do you hold your position of being right to the point where any mention of her poisons your day? Do you think that in order to protect yourself you must hold this grudge? How is this sabotaging your need to live peacefully and without blame or worry?

None of this is easy or simple. I’m not talking about small stuff here. Small challenges simply cover up what really needs to be faced. The challenges which are most obvious often block our view of the root causes of our fear-fraught lives.

If you knew that going directly to the source of your fear and facing it would free you rather than defeat you, would you be able to do it then? This is what shadow work is all about. You want to embrace the darker side of you by infusing it with the light of your conscious awareness.  First you have to know the darkness is there. You find it, face it, light it up and free it!

Here are some ideas for bringing your fears up and healing them:

1. Let’s say your marriage is a constant challenge and you feel unappreciated and your communication is failing.
a. You can blame it on your spouse and wish for them to change.
b. You can keep overworking so you don’t have to deal with your spouse and hope the problem goes away.
c. You can journal. Do stream of consciousness writing to get below the surface. Write for a minimum of fifteen minutes and a maximum of two hours. Keep writing even when you think you’re done because the ‘gold’ is in the surprise underneath what you think you know. The roots. The causes.

2. Your mortgage is due and you are steeped in worry because you don’t have it.
a. You can continue to worry which will add to your stress levels and could harm your health.
b. You can demand people you know give you the money you need.
c. You can look deeper into your fears and surface them to be healed. Are you scared of being homeless? Are you beating yourself up for decisions you’ve made that haven’t panned out? If you forgive yourself for any hurtful past judgments, then new opportunities can and will present themselves. You can’t see them or be prepared to act upon them when you’re stressed out or feeling unworthy. You may still ask for money as a conscious choice but with total non-attachment.

3. You’ll be seeing your sister and you are bracing for the hostile visit.
a. You can keep that hostile mental image in your mind, which will probably come true since you’re thinking it. When they are powerful and frequent enough, thoughts manifest reality.
b. You can say you forgive her and then let her walk all over you or your kids again. You’ll simply go home feeling victimized once again feeling even more angry, isolated and hopeless.
c. You can forgive the judgments you hold against her because you realize they are hurting you. As you live from this place of peacefulness, you can then make a conscious and love-based decision if you will continue to see or speak to her. You’ll be able to set healthy boundaries and disengage from codependent behaviors with her.

I believe your unconscious fears, if not brought into the light, will continue to create harm, discord and disease. If you do journal, use stream of consciousness writing. Just let your thoughts and feelings flow. Don’t self-edit and do be yourself. This is your journal, it’s only for you.  This process can lead to tremendous insights for you. It will lead you to a place of forgiveness, freeing you to live a more peaceful, loving and fulfilled life.

Want to reprint this article in your ezine or website? You may, as long as it remains intact and you include this complete blurb with it: Brenda Adelman, MA in Spiritual Psychology, referred to as The Queen of Forgiveness, teaches people who have a lot to offer but are stuck, how to become present, enjoy more success and peace in their relationships and lives by letting go of old and new resentments using the art of forgiveness. For FR*EE tips on how to finally be happy and free visit www.forgivenessandfreedom.com.

Forgiving your past…

1. Moves you out of denial about your past so you can stop covering up your inappropriate choices with defensive behavior.

When you move out of denial you can accept what you did. With acceptance working in your life, the charge or trigger around the event dissipates and you will feel better. You won’t need to defend what you’ve done anymore because the light of understanding has taken the edge off.  Self-forgiveness has healed the open wound finally.

2. Allows you to embrace opportunities that you don’t see when you are mired in guilt.

When you allow guilt to permeate your thoughts you are not fully present with your friends, with your partner or at work. You are still living in the past and opportunities to better yourself only happen in the now. Forgive your past and open yourself up to miracles in the present.

3. Invites more positive energy into your life because you are feeling better about yourself.

You know what it’s like to be around people who are always negative-it’s painful, draining and can rub off on you pretty quickly. If you are negative about your life because of unconscious unforgiveness toward yourself, you actually drain the people around you of their energy. As you forgive yourself your loved ones feel better and want to be around you more. Positivity attracts positive people, opportunities, and events into your life.

4. When you take responsibility for your choices you become the hero in your life instead of the victim of it.

Plainly said you can be a victim to your past by blaming others for what happened to you. Instead, by taking responsibility, you become the hero of your life by learning the lessons and passing them on through service, sharing, and your choices. Now I’m not saying to take all the responsibility for something in the past if it is not all yours, instead forgive yourself for your part in things and then share how strong you became because of what you lived through.

5. Addictions such as overwork and overeating fall away because you are no longer subconsciously punishing yourself.

There is freedom in acknowledging that you have a choice now and that you choose to forgive your past. As you forgive, you fill yourself with loving and in that place of loving there is no need to stuff or suppress your feelings anymore.

6. The person you think you hurt may have let their anger against you go years before and yet you are still carrying it.

I have seen this happen quite often. You feel guilty for years and yet the person you feel you hurt doesn’t even remember the indiscretion. Isn’t it time to let yourself off the hook? You are not responsible for how someone else feels.

7. You were doing the best you could at the time.

People make poor choices when that is what has been modeled for them. People hurt others when they are in pain and do not know a better way. This is not an excuse to hurt again but is a simple truth. Find your way to the light and you make it far more possible to avoid hurting yourself or others in the future.

8. Acknowledging that you were not doing the best you could helps you learn the lesson now and make the amends you need to.

If you truly believe that you knew better and hurt someone anyway then use this as an opportunity to acknowledge this, make amends as necessary, and forgive yourself. Continuing to belittle yourself hurts not only you but also those around you. Use this opportunity to get conscious and transform that negative energy into love, perhaps through service or sharing your story.

9. Everything happens for a reason and with forgiveness you can surrender into this supportive belief.

What if there really was a higher power and the person you hurt was supposed to receive the very lessons they got because of what happened in the past? I believe in a good universal power that can heal everything. It is time to let your guilt go and trust that the person you hurt is supported in the same manner you are. If they have passed on they are in a beautiful place of lightness and freedom, and they would not want you to continue to hurt.

10. The past is gone and the present moment is all you really have.

The past is an illusion and the future is a dream. Everything good is here right now. In this moment, as you are reading this article, take notice of your breath and how you are feeling. Look around. In this moment all is perfect and forgiven.

I hope you have found the Top Ten Reasons to Forgive Your Past helpful. Everything I teach I have also worked through myself.

Coaching Tip: Think about one thing you have not been able to forgive yourself for and journal about it. Make sure to give yourself enough alone and quiet time to write until there is no more to say. When you’re done, burn or tear up your journal pages and get rid of that negative energy. You no longer need it. Release it and live free of it from now on.

Blessings,

Beauty, Joy….and Forgiveness,

Brenda Adelman

© Copyright 2009 Brenda Adelman

Want to reprint this article in your ezine or website? You may, as long as it remains intact and you include this complete blurb with it: Brenda Adelman, MA in Spiritual Psychology, referred to as The Queen of Forgiveness, teaches people who have a lot to offer but are stuck, how to become present, enjoy more success and peace in their relationships and lives by letting go of old and new resentments using the art of forgiveness. For FR*EE tips on how to finally be happy and free visit http://www.forgivenessandfreedom.com.

A big part of loving someone is accepting them as they are. Do you respect and honor the ways in which your partner is different from you? Do you love who you are when you’re together? Do you feel honored and cherished by your loved one? Is there something that they can do that would dissolve your bond forever? Cheating can have this affect.

Being cheated on can also lead to low-self esteem, mistrust of self and living as a victim to what happened.

You must transform your anger, sense of betrayal and mistrust of your partner into compassionate loving for yourself so that you can move forward with the decisions in your life from a place of clarity and not emotional mayhem. But first know:

1. You have a right to be angry. Don’t suppress your feelings. After all, if you have signed up for a monogamous relationship and your partner has broken that part of the agreement you have a right feel betrayed.

Here are some unhealthy ways to release these emotions.

a. Overeating,
b. Addictions of any kind: Shopping. Drinking.
c. Over-working.
d. Picking fights with your partner or others.
e. Obsessively thinking about the betrayal and revenge.
f. Beating yourself up.

Here are some healthy ways to release these emotions:

a. Journal about your feelings.
b. Self-care: Take a bath. Get a massage. Exercise.
c. Contemplation of Truth
d. Grieving the loss of innocence
e. Seeing a Counselor/ Coach
f. Giving Yourself Time to make decisions

Next:

2. You hurt yourself if you stay stewing in your anger so try to gain some perspective.  You can do this by leaving your usual environment. Go stay with a good friend if you can or at least carve out some time in your day to do something good for yourself like going to the gym or walking in a park.

Remember that you have choices. Allow yourself to grieve how you thought things would be and identify what you are most angry at. Is it your partner’s betrayal? Trace that feeling back to the earliest time you felt a feeling similar to what you are feeling now. Was it a situation with a former relationship or a parent? You want to bring that first time you experienced that feeling into awareness so you can heal the core issue behind it. Journal about it.

It’s amazing how you can release toxic energy from your system just by getting it out of your head and onto the page. And then throw your writing away.

3. Gratitude helps lighten you up and helps you to see your relationship more clearly. Try to find something to be grateful for. It doesn’t have to be anything relating to your partner or it could be. For example: Tap into the love your dog has for you. Note how your kids show their love to you. Was your partner responsible for helping bring your wonderful kids into your world?  Was the sunset beautiful tonight? When you have a little more distance from your pain ask the following questions to yourself:

a. Was this a wake-up call that the partnership hasn’t been a focus and a priority?
b. Have you grown apart?
c. Have you allowed yourself to be dishonored continually by this person and you have accepted it in the past or have been in denial about it?

This is your life and you are the designer of it. In order to be empowered you must accept what happened and then decide if you are willing to stay together or if you need to walk away. You are the only one who can make this decision for you. If you decide to stay you must be willing to forgive your partner, otherwise you are creating a life-sentence for the two of you filled with hostility, resentment and status quo. You both deserve more.

Either way, you can bring more compassion to the situation by loving yourself through it. Forgive yourself for judgments like, “I should have seen this coming” or “I will never be able to trust people ever again.” 

As you fill yourself up with self-love and nurture yourself on a consistent basis by the choices you make, your life will look better and you will start to experience joy again.

© Copyright 2009 Brenda Adelman

Want to reprint this article in your ezine or website? You may, as long as it remains intact and you include this complete blurb with it: Brenda Adelman, MA in Spiritual Psychology, referred to as The Queen of Forgiveness, teaches people who have a lot to offer but are stuck, how to become present, enjoy more success and peace in their relationships and lives by letting go of old and new resentments using the art of forgiveness. For FREE tips on how to finally be happy and free visit www.forgivenessandfreedom.com.

Self-loathing can bear this fruit in many ways. Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?

Maybe it’s the comment you didn’t make when someone disrespected you because you felt too unworthy to speak up for yourself? You make matters worse by beating yourself up and obsessively thinking about what you should have said.

Maybe it’s the continued verbal abuse you allow a family member to throw at you? It’s not okay for anyone to scream at you and put you down….including you! Do you believe you deserve this?

Maybe it’s the obsessive negative thoughts you have about your body, your weight, your job, your finances, your family? These unhealthy energy-drainers steal your inner resources for making lasting healthy choices and changes.

Step 1:  Right now take out a piece of paper and divide it into 4 Columns.  Title them:  Column 1 = “Situation”, Column 2 = “My Responsibility”, Column 3 = “My Self-Judgment” and Column 4 = “Reframing Through Forgiveness”

Step 2:  In column 1, list all the circumstances you are currently complaining about. Simply list them; you will begin looking at them in more detail in the subsequent steps.

Step 3:  Carefully go over the list and look at your responsibility in each situation. List your insights in column 2. This is not to make you see where you are wrong, only where you are blocking positive opportunity. This actually transfers the power of change and possibility back into your hands. When you blame external factors for your situation, you are living from a victim consciousness and this disempowers you.

Step 4:  In column 3, write down your self-judgments in each circumstance. In these situations, did you make a decision before having all the facts and lack self-trust because of it? Did you judge yourself as stupid or inept because of it?

For example: Look at all the people today who lost their life-savings based on what they thought were “tried and true” methods of investing. Would you be willing to look at the fact that you did the best you could with the information you had and stop beating yourself up? Instead, choose to learn the lesson now, so you can move on and avoid a similar lesson in the future. And always be kind to yourself. Being mean to yourself doesn’t help anything. It just increases the negativity in your day and reinforces your self-loathing.

Step 4: In column 4, write down how you could see these circumstances in a positive light if you were to reframe your thinking through the light of forgiveness. Forgive all your self-judgments. It’s time to really let yourself off the hook this time. Look at the list you made in Step 2 and notice if you are still holding onto your anger. If you are then I want you to start reframing your judgments. Instead of holding on to the judgment that you are stupid-let that go and instead realize that you were doing the best you could with the information you had. If you could have done better-you would have. I believe that whole-heartedly. Do some soul-searching. Was there a step you missed? Were you in denial about something so you didn’t see the situation clearly?

It’s your job alone to take back your power by becoming aware of when you are thinking negative thoughts about yourself. No one else can do this for you.

Step 5: In the future moments when you notice that you are having a negative thought about yourself, make the decision to think of something good about yourself instead. It’s your world and your mind—how about filling it up with beautiful thoughts about yourself? A key question to ask yourself in order to shift your energy is, “What’s the lesson for me here?” Awareness is power and your path to power and possibility.

Remember that as you learn to love yourself, and make your decisions from that loving place, your whole world shifts into the realm of positive possibility through the lasting power of forgiveness.

© Copyright 2009 Brenda Adelman

Want to reprint this article in your ezine or website? You may, as long as it remains intact and you include this complete blurb with it: Brenda Adelman, MA in Spiritual Psychology, referred to as The Queen of Forgiveness, teaches people who have a lot to offer but are stuck, how to become present, enjoy more success and peace in their relationships and lives by letting go of old and new resentments using the art of forgiveness. For FR*EE tips on how to finally be happy and free visit www.forgivenessandfreedom.com.