Are you really ready to forgive the person who betrayed you?
Take a look at the list below and see if you recognize yourself in any of these sentences.
a. You think about the person who betrayed you and your blood boils and you defend your choice to stay angry.
b. You refuse to take this person’s calls or see them and hope they are suffering from the loss of your relationship.
c. The person who abused or betrayed you is long gone (may have even passed away) and yet every so often remorse, guilt or anger comes over you and you feel you’ll never have peace because you did not say what you needed to say to them before they left or died.
d. You’re holding on to the need for this person to change and take responsibility before you will really let go of your pain.
e. You aren’t comfortable with real intimacy. You feel alone. You can’t trust others.
The above are all symptoms that come from the inability to let go of anger, pain and injustice. You may have had a good reason to keep your defenses up, but I’m telling you that there is no better time than now to let those defenses melt away. When they do, you will create an opening through which new love can come in.
Let’s take a look at the different ways unforgiveness and anger show up in your life.
a. You think about the person who betrayed you, your blood boils and you defend your choice to stay angry.
Your anger is most likely pointing to something that is unresolved and you should listen to that. Was there something left unsaid? I don’t ever advocate renewing a relationship with someone who has been abusive but there are ways for you to say what you are feeling called to say. As a life coach, I give my clients tools in every session so they can release their anger in healthy ways and discover how to have more peace in their relationships now. I’ve included an exercise later in this article to get you started.
b. You refuse to take this person’s calls or see them and hope they are suffering from the loss of your relationship.
Boundaries are very important. However, I make a clear distinction between hard boundaries and healthy boundaries. The boundary we are addressing here (cutting someone out of your life) is a hard boundary and often it’s a necessary first step. However, as time goes on, it’s important to release any need or desire for the other person to suffer. This is where you have an opportunity to release your own suffering too. I go into this in detail in my powerful ebook, My Father Killed My Mother and Married My Aunt: Forgiving the Unforgivable. I break this down step by step and show you how to transform your hard boundaries so that you are no longer a victim to them.
c. The person who abused or betrayed you is long gone (moved away/passed away) and yet every so often remorse or guilt comes over you and you wish you could have had said what you needed to say to them before they left.
The following is a truism that my father repeated when I continually demanded that he answer the question of what happened the night my mother died. He’d say, “The past is the past. Whatever I say isn’t going to bring her back.” This enraged me because I thought he was shirking his responsibility. Perhaps he was. But it was also right on. The past is the past. You can’t change it. (Well, you can change it energetically by how you hold it in consciousness, but that’s for a whole other article) You can’t change the past, but you can change your present. I invite you to sit down right now and write a long, long letter out to your abuser. Say everything you ever wanted to say to them. No holds barred. Curse, get angry. Let it all out. It’s for your eyes only. Make sure you set a timer and finish your writing by the one hour mark and then tear the paper you’ve just written on up into little pieces and throw it away. Take the garbage out. With it goes the anguish that you’ve been carrying for years. Guilt be gone. You have been holding on to the need for them to change and take responsibility before you will really let go of your pain. You have the power to change that with this exercise.
d. You’re holding on to the need for them to change and take responsibility before you will really let go of your pain.
Forget this one please! I’ve worked with so many clients who have had major breakthroughs –real transformation by letting go of this one thing. You see you are actually punishing yourself the most by making demands on someone who is unwilling to meet them. Stop giving over your power to them by tying your happiness into their words and actions. Love yourself enough to know that a portion of the pain you’re feeling is not even yours. It’s time to let it go. Take a breath. And create a future free from the need to control others.
e. You aren’t comfortable with real intimacy. You feel alone.
It pains me to know that so many people feel so lonely. I remember how very alone I was after my father took my mother’s life. My brother and I weren’t speaking. My mom was dead. My father was in jail. My fiance and I broke up. I felt damaged because of my parents’ tumultuous relationship and because of how my mother died. I was afraid to be seen, truly seen because I felt ugly inside and I thought it would show. My anger wore on me. Most of my anger was for myself and the errors in my judgment of character –especially of my dad. In my ebook, I go into detail about how I finally broke through my isolation by using a system of letting go and forgiving judgments of myself, my father, my brother and my mother. I broke free and found the love of my life who I’ve been with for eleven years. I had to let myself be truly seen by someone else and I could only do that after I forgave my judgments of myself and trusted myself enough to make better decisions. My brother and I also reunited ten years ago and I am adopting a 13 year old boy. I have a son! If I could go from extreme loneliness and depression to having a loving family and the best relationships in my life, I know you can too.
If you are experiencing the symptoms of unforgiveness, I encourage you to take action today so you can start feeling better as early as, well, right after you write that first letter! And if you are serious and know that today’s the day to make a big change, you’ll want to download my ebook, My Father Killed My Mother and Married My Aunt: Forgiving the Unforgivable available at http://www.forgiveandbefreebook.com because it’s also a workbook where you’ll be getting step-by-step guidance from me so you can work specifically on your personal relationships. Right now I’m including a 60 minute MP3 on How to Set Healthy Boundaries too. Used in conjunction with the book, it’s doubly powerful.
Opening Hearts by Forgiving the Unforgivable,
Brenda.
