In yesterday’s blog I laid open my broken heart and shared my vulnerability with you.
I said that I would share an exercise today to help you move out of your own pain and I will.
First, let me share Chapter Two of my ebook/workbook with you. I think it will help you connect to your emotions so that the exercise I give you will be even more effective.
The Shame and Blame of Self-Deception
“Where do your parents live?”
“My mom died.” I reply covering my eyes under my bangs as I lowered my head.
“How?” She must have been young.”
” An accident,” I almost inaudibly answered.
“What kind, a car accident?”
I cannot tell you how many of those conversations I had during the first year after my mom died. What I can say is that after the last question was asked of me I would immediately excuse myself, squirm away briskly and burst into tears. I could not bear to expose my heightened sense of shame to anyone.
My shame was a result of three things:
1. I was in denial about my dad’s involvement in the death of my mother.
2. I was judging him for it at the same time. (I know this doesn’t make logical sense)
3. I felt guilty for loving my dad and for ever trusting and admiring him.
At the time, it was too much for me emotionally to accept that my father, who I adored, was responsible for shooting my mother in the head and killing her so I denied it and chose to believe it was an accident.
At the same time, I took my father’s actions as if they were my character defects.
This is how it worked in my mind: If I love this man who gave me my life and he committed this heinous crime, then a part of me at the very core is dirty, damaged and worthless.
My opinion of myself was dismal and I thought everyone could tell. I thought they could see it in my sad and disconnected eyes.
My low self-worth, which I tried to hide by closing down my heart and numbing myself, coupled with the denial of my father’s responsibility for my mother’s death resulted in my half-brother, Warren, (we have different father’s) and I dissolving our relationship as brother and sister. He wanted to go after my father legally and hold him accountable from Day One. I could not and would not, so instead, I cut my brother out of my life.
If you are not able to discuss a loss that you have suffered without anxiety/stress/pain being triggered, I understand.
If you make excuses for someone you love who has hurt you, I understand.
I’ve been where you are.
I will help point you in the direction of relief from your suffering.
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Following is the exercise I promised you on yesterday’s blog post.
This one is amazing. Try it out and let me know how it goes.
Bedtime Intentions:
By setting an intention before you go to sleep not only can you rest more peacefully but you might also be able to resolve some of your issues during your dreamtime and not have to work through them consciously. Woohoo!
Every night before you go to sleep state your intention out loud or silently to yourself. Keep it simple, and ask that the guidance be given in a way that you can easily understand.
For example:
1. My bedtime intention is to sleep soundly and to awaken in the morning well-rested and enthusiastic about facing my day.
2. My bedtime intention is that whatever anger I have toward myself or someone else that I’ve been denying will come up to be healed in my dreams and that whatever I need to remember will come forward with grace and ease in the morning so that I can journal about it. All of this for the highest good.
You can reach me on my FB page at http://facbeook.com/ForgivenessandFreedom
Please share what you’ve learned.
I’ll share my next chapter in an upcoming post. Watch for it!
Onward and upward,
Brenda
If you found this blog touched you, you’ll love my flagship ebook/workbook, Forgive and Be Free: A Pathway to Personal Freedom, where I reveal 3 (very specific) Steps to Freedom, where you’ll get the right tools, in the right order to shave years off your suffering.
Honored as a Hero of Forgiveness by the Hawaii International Forgiveness Project, Brenda Adelman is also an award-winning actor, presenting her solo-show, My Brooklyn Hamlet, internationally, for audiences as diverse as women prisoners, US military, domestic violence trainers and survivors and for high school and college students. She facilitate workshops and teleclasses on forgiveness and setting healthy boundaries for spiritual communities across the United States.
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