My life works best when I am living in the constant flow and reminder of Spirit. That I am more than my body and mind and personality. It’s so easy to get pulled into this world and identify as Me, Me, Me. How do I take care of me? These are my daily ‘FEARS.’ I’m alone in this world and then I die.
I experienced my first awakening about three years after my mother was murdered (17 years ago). I was in my bed for yet another sleepless night. I had knowingly exhausted myself from acting class which ended at 11 PM, rushed home to catch the news and if I was lucky enough I’d stay up to watch Oprah…realizing now that her show balanced out the negativity I had picked up from the God Damn news, which I had been conditioned to watch.
I dragged myself from my small living room, eyes half closed- knowing as soon as I fell onto the bed- my night terrors would descend upon me. If I did fall asleep I was certain to have a nightmare about my mother’s death where I’d see the back of her. I’d then chase her and when I was just about to catch her- either the floor we were on would cave in and I’d fall back against the wall pleading to not fall into the abyss myself or if it was an outdoor setting I’d put my hand on her back and then puff- I was awake and didn’t get the prize of seeing her face. Which of course probably wouldn’t have been a prize to celebrate at all- since she was shot in her head.
Only now do I realize that if I did catch up to her in my dreams and she turned around- I probably would have seen a horribly misshapen head with oozing blood that would have scarred me further.
But this night was different.
A white light flooded my head and a voice came to me. The sense that I had a body dropped away and I felt peace…the first bud of peace since my father took my mothers life in 1995. This voice told me I was okay…I cried. I sobbed in release. I actually felt okay …a wave of peacefulness moved over and through my entire body.
This same feeling came every night for the next month.
I started asking questions and receiving answers from somewhere deep within that appeared to be connected to something so much bigger than my little self.
Why did it happen that first night?
Was this spiritual guidance available to me all along?
I KNOW it was…but because I was so deeply into my pain and suffering and I hadn’t learned anything about the possibility of experiencing a ONENESS up until this point IN MY LIFE I wasn’t open to it. It was a case of ‘not knowing what I didn’t know.’
It’s been a long time now. I have tapped into the Source Energy that I so desperately needed back then many times.
Yet the world has a way of pulling me back in to thinking I am all alone. Fearful that my next business move will not be embraced…since these days I am working with growing my business vs recovering from my mother’s death.
And so…I leave you with a quote from a wonderful book I am reading this month called, The Breath of God by Swami Chetananda (This is from the Preface)
It’s an invitation to a way back to Truth.
“I have noticed in both myself and others a process of healing, which is an expansion of communion with the teacher. It takes the form of the most obvious, as well as the most subtle, transformations. On the more visible level, as people learn to still their minds and to go beyond the stresses and tensions of daily living, they free their energy and can begin to explore their potential in new directions. Their health improves, they begin to look their best, and they find that things which used to seem insurmountable have extraordinary ways of resolving themselves. People take a new lightness and humor, and discover that they can, in fact, undertake those things they had always wanted to do with their lives. There’s a kind of magic in it which, at the same time, is utterly ordinary. Things just happen.”
What’s being addressed is having a witness. This person talks of being witnessed by her teacher and that’s what made a difference.
I suppose in those first sleepless and extraordinarily ordinary nights in my bed I was witnessed by the energy that came forward to be on my path with me.
And what followed was a listening to that voice, my own witness who then directed me very specifically to write my story. And in the writing of my story- I got to witness everything with more altitude. I got to climb out of the ‘story of me’ that I had created by going over it over and over in my head and instead released to the PRESENT MOMENT- where the gift always is.